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For a brief second, I wondered, Is something wrong? I waved over a colleague, a transplant from Manchester with hair extensions that kissed her velvet garter belt. I bantered for hours — something I was never able to do before. The manager looked at my petite frame and nervous smile, pointed her manicured hand to the dressing room and listed the rules: To find that out, you'll have to click the "add to cart" button next to your lady love's profile. So, I led him into the corner, which opened up to the club like the bow of a ship, public and safe, for one quick dance. Performing felt strangely comfortable, even though the job was foreign and challenging. People would love me or not — frankly I was okay with the risk. No drugs on the floor. That conversation lasted minutes, but the advice made for a successful career. True, I was better at picking up more obvious cues like eagerness and anger, but group settings were strenuous — too many subtleties to keep track of. I smiled and looked at his nose instead of his eyes while chewing over my words and length of speech, trying to offer the version of my trip they wanted to hear. You sound like a child. A second later the words clicked. There were six of us around a small table. Upon release, send money for a plane ticket. He waited outside with me until Sarah pulled up in a rideshare. But it was home to me. I learned to showcase different parts of my persona based on the customer. I just needed to try harder to be more present, I told myself. There I massaged their shoulders, let them touch me, expressed vulnerability. There were a few listless customers scattered around, hunching over bar stools, and a dancer circling the pole. The phenomenon of love and sex can be stressful enough, but with mental illness, it can be even more taxing. The twinkling lights opened the doors to Manhattan, my body still moving from the music of the club. Most people I met outside of work told me I was a great listener, unaware of how much time I spent in my room practicing the correct reactions.
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